Tuesday, September 13

I hear beeping now...and I'm sure the neighborhood does, too.   That's because Zack always leaves his keys in his car, keeps his driver side door open, and listens to his radio while he smokes...and smokes... and smokes.... That's all he's done today because he INSISTED he felt like he was going to throw up and couldn't go to his TAPS group.   I drove him at 930 anyway....I really don't believe him whenever he pulls this sick stunt, and I needed him out of the house.  HE needed to be out.  Being with him in this quiet house is just so uncomfortable....it's just his shadow presence... barely seen, but I know he's upstairs or in his car, moping and bored and mentally ill.  I needed a reprieve from it all.  He won't eat now - that's new in the past couple days...along with the burning... it all compounds and causes me anxiety knowing he's here, lonely...not getting well.   He called me about 1030 and complained that he really was feeling sick...so I broke and did go pick him up.  He's been roaming, restlessly brooding, and reminding me since.

When I got home after our appointment with Dr. K yesterday....I sat in the kitchen and talked with Lucy.  She is such a mini me.   Jojo looks like me, but Lucy and I have the same heart.   I hope she'll be my friend when she's an adult....she's such great comfort to me.  Both she and Jojo are.  I feel like I have a little bit of resilience when I'm in their presence.  There's something special about those two girls that makes me feel so unbelievably lucky to have them.  They are loving and fun, and can make me laugh even in my worst moments.  Lucy sat down with me at the kitchen table.  She saw how distressed I was and asked me why I'm so upset...this thing is nothing new.  She's right....this thing is nothing new... I'm just weary.  But I think it was the grief coming up and out again yesterday because I was forced  to deal with it all.. I had the mental illness reality slap me in the face hard.  I have the grief today, too....but it's a little less....it's slowly receding...but I know it's still there..I feel it's weight like a sneaky coiled snake around my heart squeezing and waiting to strike me again. 

I told her how I felt....and the reason for my new round of despair...For me, the most mournful thing about this ugly situation is how this creepy disease will make a waste of my son's life.  I have to face the fact that Zack's future is questionable...and as a mom ..that's a repulsive bitter pill.  I cannot even describe what a wonderful spirit Zack used to have.  He was such a charmer, handsome, sweet, brilliant.... kind, thoughtful kid.  And an excellent older brother for two adoring little fans.  Nobody would believe any of that today....but it's true.  The waste of a life.. lack of hope - even Dr. K wasn't optimistic... the cause of my renewed sorrow.

Lucy and I talked about what Dr. K had told me...the group home...lack of care for mentally ill in this country..cut funding....the last ditch effort maybe miracle drug Clozapine...that magic med that causes obesity, low white blood cell count, and drooling....she actually made me laugh about that.  Fat, sick, and slobbery.... and then suddenly you come out of your schizophrenic state to the reality of that mess.  It made me feel better to unburden a bit of my heartache with her....she feels the grief and loss, too. 

This afternoon Zack was begging to go out again.  Even though he is so sick he's "going to throw up" and can't stay at his group....he needed to go out and get some coffee because he feels depressed and "being out in public will make him feel better."  I don't blame him for his depression.  I understand it and I worry about his mood...but I cannot agree to even his panicky requests to leave the house.

He kept moaning about it...trying to persuade me...guilt me by asking if he would ever be able to leave the house.  I told him he's welcome to come with us anywhere we go.  He didn't like that suggestion.  He's "too old to go out with his family".   Kind of funny how he is mentally ill...barely in reality - yesterday the doctor said he's psychotic - but he's able to care so much about what others will think if he's out with his parents.  It wasn't a pleasant conversation we were having....him sad and asking for something I cannot give, but I was grateful he was talking to me.  Beseeching and moaning...but at least he sat near me, looked at me, and spoke. After several rounds of pathetic pleading and denying, I finally got him to open up about the reason for his gloom. He said he is feeling sad that he'll never have a girlfriend again.  Sad.  Even in his own murky mind he has lost hope for himself.

Abby from "Family Services" called this morning.  We are scheduled to see Dr. M Thursday morning.  Zack doesn't like her so much.  He said she is "rude".   That adjective surprised me.  She was actually very courteous and calm when we met her.  And I appreciate the fact that Dr. K thought highly of her.  It's a good sign.  I want to be capable of hoping again...and for Zack to gain hope... so I'm looking forward to Thursday. 

To Be Continued.....

I want to believe in pixie dust, fairy tales and happy endings