I called Abby. No return call yet.... I want to find out how Zack is doing in his group and how to get in contact with the doctor. Zack shouldn't be responsible for his own care, med management, decisions regarding "how he's feeling" etc... they KNOW he is "severely mentally ill"...(their words) so why they chose to exclude me yesterday and put him in charge of himself is a mystery...probably just an oversight.
The call I did receive today was a strange communication from somebody at "Family Services" relaying the message that "Julie will see Zack at 5 pm on October 6 for an evaluation".... OK.....and who is Julie and what is this all about? I love how they have unnamed somebodies make these odd calls...she sounded like a kid and she really knew nothing. I have never heard of anyone named Julie...nor had I been made aware that Zack was up for some evaluation. And the young person that called asked to speak directly with Zack. She wasn't even going to tell me anything. But she did...turns out this evaluation is for the substance abuse program through "Family Services". The evaluation will consist of an hour and a half interview... good luck with that. That's all I know because that's all she knew. My list has grown...when Abby returns my call I need information regarding their plans for Zack, his participation in the TAPS group...and how to remain in the loop with the doctor.
Last night I bit the bullet. I bought air for a family Thanksgiving trip to Disney World. I have so much anxiety and a horrid headache today because I made that decision. Ridiculous. I should be thrilled we're returning to our happy place...taking a little family escape....but memories are brutal and nerves are wicked...they are squashing any joyous feelings I'd be capable of having - thinking about this trip. Maybe once the idea of a return to the magic settles in I'll find excitement in it. I love WDW during the holidays.....and it's a relatively short five night getaway. We'll be so busy having fun we'll have no time to worry. I hope.....And I have noticed...I type "I hope" an awfully lot in this blog. It appears that I'm hoping for too much....especially for somebody in my shoes...the shoes of the often pretty negative.
Still haven't moved from page three of my happiness book. Not for lack of trying... I carry that thing with me everywhere. I'm just not even happy enough to read...and not clear headed enough to concentrate. That sounds like such a lame excuse...and I'm not wallowing in self pity by any means....but the facts of the day are that I do what I have to do...slap on a smile and conjure up my sunny voice while dealing with clients..get my housework done, cheerfully run the girls around....and then quickly return to me...the stressed out me. Smiles and sunshine come out periodically on demand...and sometimes I think (hope again) if I play it up enough maybe the true authentic smiles and sunshine will stick one of these days. I have heard that...if you pretend you are happy you will miraculously BE happy.... really? That almost sounds too amazing and magical for real life. But again....sometimes I do have the hope that it could actually be possible. And I also believe that God helps those who help themselves.
I have the pile of paperwork from Alaina for the SSI to work on....I need to motivate myself out of this blah mood and dig into that mess. Help myself...and then God might have my back. I know once I face up to that project I'll feel more positive that I'm moving ahead and taking care of life for Zack. I also have the phone number...I'm supposed to call and ask about putting Zack's name on the group home wait list... just so hard to get myself going on this unpleasant stuff when I feel like I'm sinking. I need to remember... he is draining me...this disease is drowning me..... I need to help myself and rise above the water for a few hours and take care of this nasty business..... get him moving toward his own life....and recovering ours.....
To Be Continued....
Thanksgiving in Walt Disney World
We have something fun to look forward to
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