I remember the day he was born like it was six months ago.... not yesterday...but not 21 years ago, either. Where did those years go? First filled with a sweet cuddly baby....then a whirl of energetic fun toddler....who grew into a super silly and sassy, loving little boy....then a clever but sensitive tween....into a troubled teen....and now......But we enjoyed plentiful laughs and wonderful memories in those twenty-one years. My heart is kind of heavy today. What variety memories will the next twenty-one years bring to us?
I guess I'm melancholy thinking about the expectations I had that September 7, 1990 when Zack was born. I wish I knew a wise quote about expectations....and how they are dangerous and disappointing. This day just doesn't fit with the dreams I had all those years ago.... that night, at 9:12 pm when my warm snuggled baby was placed in my arms... and he melted into me, looking at me with sparkly mischievous brown eyes. I think he had expectation in those deep eyes. Expectation that I'd give him all I could.
We asked Zack several times what he wants for his birthday. His response.... "wine". No...sorry not happening. I reminded him he cannot drink on these meds he's taking. "Oh... I was hoping I could have a few beers". No beers. How does he keep forgetting? Or does he just not listen....? He considered for a while and decided he'd like a box of cigars. We can do that but I am disappointed he doesn't want something cool and fun. Big and exciting.... But he doesn't. I cannot prod him into it. Excitement is dead. He has no fun in his life... no notions about fun. Fun and exciting aren't concepts he relates to anymore. So the cool gift for his 21st birthday will be nothing but a box of cigars... to smoke while he sits alone in his car parked in the driveway. And to splurge, my husband left a full pack of cigarettes out for Zack today. That's pathetic.
Zack doesn't want to go out to dinner, either. He asked us to pick up Chinese food, so that's the plan. After Jojo's soccer practice tonight, we'll bring home Chinese. We were prepared to skip out on soccer and have a special family dinner at a restaurant.....but Zack opted out of that. He didn't even want the "nice" Chinese take out... he said it was "too expensive"...which I don't understand.....but he argued - as much as he can with few words. He let me know his thoughts. He wants the cheapy Panda Express. No rationalizing with his thought process, so it will be Panda Express at the kitchen table for his 21st birthday.
I almost have an inkling that he thinks we don't love him....or he has no "worth" to us. I have sorrow and guilt over that possibility, but I do understand. We don't show him affection anymore. He doesn't like to be too near or touched or hugged. Maybe that's a part of his feeling of low value...that we don't openly demonstrate our love. I'm not sure, but at this point...I don't feel comfortable expressing affection toward him. I can't remember the last time we hugged. It's awkward hugging a stranger.
I had to really push Zack to get him to agree to a birthday cake. Knowing he enjoys sweets and junk food, I offered several suggestions. He kept denying the birthday cake.... I really wonder why he thought he didn't need a birthday cake or any celebration...back to the low value low worth again, I guess. He finally came up with a French silk pie request. My husband and Lucy drove an hour round trip last night to buy it for him. Happily. That made me think a bit higher of my husband. I really didn't expect that of him. Expectations again.....you never know about those, it seems.
He didn't want to go to TAPS group today....of course...any excuse to ditch. But we talked about it...well I talked, he listened and calmly said "alright.... alright".... The reality is that at home all he would do is sit in his room gaming alone. And he passively agreed that wouldn't be such great fun on his birthday anyway. So he's getting ready to spend the next five hours of his birthday in a room with mentally ill strangers...
To Be Continued.....
Happy Birthday, Zack. We love you...and miss you.
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