Before we left Zack on Sunday afternoon I reminded him to call me if he was lonely and wanted to talk or if he needed me to bring him anything more to make his stay bearable. I half hope he will be discharged tomorrow. Life has been calmer here...and less mess in the kitchen, no towel issues....we've had hot water for our own showers.....and I have certainly felt less constrained daily. Not sure why I feel that way...he's not a baby, but I do feel he needs us around - even if he chooses to enjoy the solitude of his room, and then there's that constant necessary supervision. This past week with Zack in the hospital has been a nice short reprieve for all of us. I really hope the meds have kicked in. Especially the Lexipro. I want a happy kid.
Shame..and secrets. Heavy loads to carry. The group home secret is kind of eating me up inside. I don't like keeping things from my husband. I don't like keeping secrets at all. I'd rather just tell...and get secrets out in the open. Everybody has something...so what's the big deal about a mentally ill son? The shame. That's what it is. But I don't know...sometimes I think it would take such a heavy weight off of me - out from me - if I could just say it....like it's really not horrible...the disease is part of our daily lives... Zack is part of our family.... and we accept it all - or do we? Maybe if I could just tell it, I could come out of hiding....set myself free. I almost feel like posting it on my Facebook wall. Just blurting it out there for all the world to view....and contemplate.....and analyze. "I have a 21 year old son with schizophrenia"...Let all my 524 friends and faux friends and friends of friends...everybody who chooses to.... behold my truth. Then watch who scatters..... lol. I wonder. Or would people be able to relate? I've read statistics about one in four people having mental health issues.... maybe there are more "friends" struggling out there than I'm aware of. Maybe the reaction wouldn't be as disturbing as I fear. And I'd be set free of the secret destroying me inside.
I was so scared about having to go out for coffee with Laurie yesterday during dance class. Afraid that I wouldn't be able to hold my horrid secret in...it was hovering too near the surface yesterday for comfort....and if I shared....what would she say? Think? We have known eachother casually for 8 years now. Our daughters have danced in the same classes since they were three years old....but she doesn't know my family... or how Zack used to be....so wonderful.
When I arrived at the studio I saw her car....but I didn't see her. I pulled out my water bottle...(see, I don't need coffee...I have water) and my happiness book and tried to absorb myself in it...dissolve in it...but I didn't even see the words...I was so nervous to be asked to leave the studio and head for Starbucks. Out of the corner of my eye I saw her coming toward me. I looked deeper into the page...this happiness stuff is so important....she said an enthused, "Hi! How are ya?".....and I was caught. I was so lucky, though....she sat down, and we hung out at the studio and chatted about life stuff the whole hour....just casual easy talking and laughing. She is great - lots of fun...She is the type of person that could open up about something serious and find humor in it herself.....I do think she's somebody I could tell the secret to and she'd take it well.....but it's still weird news to share...and what if I'm wrong? Thank God we found other things to talk about and she distracted me for an hour with her entertaining stories. I am still on page three of my happiness book.
I have after school plans with Jojo and Lucy. We need to finish shopping for Lucy's Homecoming outfit...and buy a few odds and ends the girls need. I am looking forward to 3pm. Lucy and Jojo are such a pleasure to spend time with. We'll enjoy the last of our guilt free existence....Tomorrow, I believe Zack returns.
To Be Continued......
This is the only picture I have of the three of us together...
....looking bedraggled after being poured on.....
but we are smiling!
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