It's been a busy soccer morning into afternoon. It was picture day for the whole league...so lots of time spent out there on the field waiting around and chatting with other parents.
I wound up conversing with two new people while we stood around waiting our team's photo turn. They were moms of girls on Jojo's team that I kind of know, but not really. Inevitably they asked how many kids I have... how old.... the usual small talk parent questions. Today I am at a vulnerable point with Zack's disease. The hospitalization sticks it in my face. Today I can't pretend the illness doesn't exist...that he's getting better....things will just work out to a happy ending. I was secretly praying neither would ask the status of my 21 year old. Most likely today's answer wouldn't have been prettied up.
I can sometimes throw the magical perfect answer together that he's going to MCC and delivering pizzas....that's actually his goal. He says it often enough...."I want to go to college and get a job delivering pizzas." I believe people appreciate the simple, easy to understand, shallow answer....but with the reality of his current situation hanging over me...my son is psychotic, spending his days vegging in a mental hospital... I wasn't comfortable with my confidence level in my lying ability. I was extremely lucky...or they were...They did not ask. I don't think I could have lied. Today I probably would have just answered that he's mentally ill spending the week in a "specialty hospital"...in my moment of weakness. Nobody would have enjoyed hearing that.
At half time my husband and I talked about our afternoon plans.... I said I need to catch up on my housework....and part of that means I want to get all the towels up off Zack's floor and washed, wash and change his sheets....and do some of his laundry, too. He said he wants to get all the garbage out of Zack's room - the cans, empty candy boxes and wrappers....other trash... and vacuum. He'll probably also go on Zack's computer and see where Zack's been....and what he's been learning about online. That's what we do...Each time Zack goes away for a hospital stay we clean up his life here at home....so he can start fresh when he returns after being discharged.
I am embarrassed of myself, too, today. I lost my shit on Lucy. On everybody here, really.....
After soccer, on the way home.. I wanted to pick up a Diet Coke...so we pulled into McDs. That's all we were planning to order. At the last minute, while in the drive-thru, Jojo asked if she could have a Happy Meal....
We got home, walked in, and there was Lucy in her pajamas standing in the kitchen... it was almost 2 pm. She saw Jojo's food and started griping about how we didn't bring her anything....then about how she missed Chinese food last night - which my husband and Jojo ordered...Lucy had to be at a high school football game with the marching band all evening so she didn't eat dinner with us...... Well this morning for the past three and a half hours, we had to be at soccer...Jojo up early, running around like crazy....was hungry... so sorry. Jojo has activities too and Lucy could have come with and then she could have ordered at McDs.
I reminded her it can't always be about YOU. Then she started in about how it's so late today already she can't invite a friend over..... blah blah blah.... it was all about her....and I totally lost it. I just let loose. I am so overwhelmed...and hearing all this bitching about her own nonsense when the true reality is I live my life around my kids lives.... When was the last time I had fun? I cannot even remember fun. What is fun? What does it feel like? What can I do to have myself some fun? I WANT FUN. I told her I'm so sick of my crappy shit hole life....and so tired of my life revolving around everybody else's. I AM. TIRED. I have to look forward to an awkward unpleasant afternoon visiting Zack in the hospital tomorrow...that's going to be my Sunday afternoon "fun". I am weary and exhausted....and pissed off. I think I scared everybody... including myself.
All this bottled up garbage I have...resentment and anger...lies....hopes....wishes...sadness...defeat....and I am tired....just really worn down. I honestly can't remember the last time I screamed at my kids.....but today I exploded. I used language I never do....and said things I shouldn't have. Hurtful things...but now my nasty truth has been revealed and the awful words are out there....floating in the air in this house..... Now I'm keeping to myself and hiding because I don't even know how to handle it from here. How to take back hateful words......that are true.....
To Be Continued.....
I'm feeling like a witch today for being honest
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