The "warden" is back from his trip. I don't think Zack ever realized his dad was out of town. Maybe he's not the controlling warden I seem to view him as....or Zack doesn't realize he's being policed....which I suppose is good for a paranoid schizophrenic. But he harped on me last night when he mistakenly thought I gave Zack a whole pack of cigarettes for the day. Nope....for Zack's own good I have been sticking to the half pack deal we made.
Zack does decline when he's left to spend these long weekend days in self imposed isolation. I don't know how to handle that, though. I'm hoping once he gets "better" he might make friends and not be as inclined to choose to be so separate...right now though, he prefers separate and alone. His room.....his car...parked in the driveway.
We offer to have him join us in anything we do... usually....but he doesn't care to be seen with his family. What would people think? I do see some humor in that "what would people think" though... since we are willing to be seen with him.....even though his preferred style is shaggy bum in slippers.
Last night we went out to dinner... Zack was on his third shower by then. We knew he was in the bathroom taking one of his hour long showers....but we wound up leaving and completely forgetting to invite him to join us. That's bad. Sad to just so easily be able forget someone like that. We said, "Goodbye...we'll be back soon" to Penny.... and forgot to even speak to Zack. He stays so far away from us on weekends...it's almost like he doesn't exist here...but he does...a shadow of Zack does. Penny follows us everywhere...so she got the parting words. Guilt. We didn't realize our error until we were all in the car on our way. I guess the ease to our conscience is that we know he wouldn't have come with us. We wound up calling him on our way home and asking if he wanted us to bring him dinner. He did... we did. And he ate alone...
Later in the evening we were all playing Epic Mickey in the family room. I crashed early, went upstairs to find Zack standing quietly and watching the fun below from the loft. He seemed very engrossed...so I asked him if he wanted to go join in. "No..no.... I'm just watching"....I kind of prodded him with, "They need help...come on... go play....".....but I couldn't get him to budge from his perch...just following along from the sidelines.
Zack is an amazing computer gamer. Even as a little boy he would beat the teens and adults any time there was a little competition. When we first got the Epic Mickey game for Christmas he helped the girls through a lot of troubles with it - easily & quickly...and gave them some pointers. His sisters love when he takes part in their activities...it's like the old Zack is back for a short period of time...and the old Zack making an appearance is so rare it's even more special. But this current, mentally ill version of Zack never enjoys being with the family so it was an effort to get him involved back then....still is. Once he helped his sisters he shared how much he didn't like the game and left... He couldn't wait to get back to the solitude of his room.....and his own game.
Since we are all home... and having a lazy weekend about the house, he's crossed our paths more than usual. We've had short little two sentence conversations....that's about it....but mostly he still avoids whenever possible. Answers are short and brief... sparing and saving his words...for what or who I don't know....
I am going out and running errands today. I feel the need to escape. Not a bad feeling....just a change of scenery type of escape. I feel antsy and anxious...so I guess it is a bad feeling, actually. I walked Penny twice yesterday...good thing she is fond of her walks...she's my buddy in escape. I'm having difficulty transitioning from a relaxing summer to a few days of rushing and running kids everywhere to now three long days of really nothing but quiet and lazy....tomorrow....back to the rushing. Something I do need to deal with today though....Zack's birthday is Wednesday. A gift....
To Be Continued.....
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