Zack's birthday is next week. Not just any birthday...it's a special birthday. He turns 21. I remember my own 21st birthday...even remember what I was wearing....who was there....what we did....what gifts I received. Zack's will be very different. And then 21 brings about new issues.
We discovered in June that every single bottle of liquor in our house was empty....everything from a 25 yr old souvenir tequila from Mexico, to a bottle of wine a friend gave me for my 40th birthday a few years ago...anything with alcohol...gone. Depleted and meticulously replaced....empty.
We rarely drink - only socially - and since this disease hit our household we have become unsocial....so we didn't notice the missing alcohol until Zack was having horrible visual hallucinations, we called his psychatrist who recommended we give him an ativan to calm him....guess what? Unbeknownst to us, Zack had taken all his hidden (and found) ativan...so the next suggestion was some alcohol.....that's when Zack's love for liquor was exposed.
I'm not sure when he drank it all...what meds he was on at the time, or how the liquor combined with those meds may have further messed up his head. A couple times I caught him drinking bottles of beer outside...when he said he was "going on a walk". He said drinking the beer was no big deal. What's a beer now and then? He rationalizes whatever he wants to do to twist whatever he wants to do so that it becomes acceptable to himself. His mentally ill self. He is never wrong and never makes poor choices...his own magical thinking.....in his diseased mind.
I have a new book to begin reading. "Surviving Schizophrenia - A Manual For Families, Patients, and Providers". I guess that's the over all goal for everybody in this family at the moment. Surviving it. We need to trudge through this smuck that's seeped into our lives....I do feel like we're making headway... I need to call the overworked case manager back and set up a meeting. She has the custodian paperwork for us to get moving on.... and with 21 approaching it's a kick in the tail to get it completed.....even though Zack was legally his own man at age 18....mentally ill substance abuser or not. Twenty-one is another milestone and reminder that time is moving quickly...but we're not. She advised me that our insurance doesn't cover her fees. She charges $70 an hour. I didn't think that was unreasonable...but then I really don't know the total hours that we'd need her assistance. I still don't know the full value of having a case manager...talking to her about that will probably cost me at least $35.
I did remember to say "Rabbit Rabbit" at 3 am last night. I heard Zack get up to use the bathroom....that was enough to wake me...and I am hoping the silly "Rabbit Rabbit" will bring me luck this month. More magical thinking, I know. I said a few prayers, too, since I was awake and thinking. I'm not a particularly religious person - I do believe in God...but I am not into organized religion. I was raised Catholic, saw and experienced a lot of the bad side...and plenty of hypocrisy. But I have a solid belief in God. I need to remember to be more prayerful when things are good...not a hypocrite myself, asking for help when times are tough. I need to be a better friend to God I guess. Not so distant.
This morning was torture. The early hour issues have begun...even sooner than I expected. Jojo's bus pick up at 7 am will make the routine run smoother once we get adjusted, but.... we are not morning people. She did not want to get out of bed... it was a struggle to get her moving. Then she was so tired she had no appetite...I whipped up some frozen chocolate chip waffles... she ate half of one and started to cry. She was in weary misery....just exhausted. I felt queasy myself this morning from the early hours and I couldn't even drink my coffee....Lucy and I looked at our weeping Jojo and laughed despite our own fatigue and asked if we could do that too....these new early hours are going to take some getting used to.
I had an hour after the girls left until I had to wake Zack. He got up and moving.....likes to have a smoke first thing...then his long shower... number one for the day. He gets his lunch (or snack) put together and doesn't gripe....just quietly goes about his business. As we pulled into "Family Services", I asked him if he would try to keep his head up off the table today. He looked at me with a vacant expression in his eyes...and said "yeah". I'm not convinced he even heard the question...maybe he heard me speak, but not my words...his eyes were so empty as he turned his head to respond.
Luckily I have a few more errands to run today...and some work to occupy myself. I miss the kids desperately....their happy voices...sounds of splashing in the pool.....music inside and out while they swim and laugh, bonfire parties, all the fun chaos that comes with kids. I'm so not good with change...time is moving faster than I can accept and adapt to what's coming my way.
To Be Continued.....
Where have the years gone?
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