It was the case manager, Alaina. She wanted to know if I wanted Zack to be discharged directly into a group home. Wow...that group home hope has come to haunt me.
I was caught off guard.....honestly, Zack in a group home now sounds fantastic to me. It would free me up...I do feel so stuck....I wanted a little long weekend family Walt Disney World escape. We need it - but the fact is Zack left behind at home is just not a good idea right now...I would love to be free again, but I can't do that to him since I just yesterday assured him that the group home is something in the future - a possibility.... not a reality that's just around the bend on Thursday....but the more I do consider him in that group home the more it appeals....I can't betray him that way though...even if the girls would appreciate it....and my husband.....Zack living somewhere else under somebody else's watch, messing up somebody else's life, roaming somebody else's halls..breaking somebody else's rules, using somebody else's towels and hot water.... would make his day. I can't do it. I need to see if Zack is able to be better and improved here at home before I can make that commitment....I'm not going to tell my husband this quick fix option was even offered to me.
Alaina explained that if the doctor orders it, if I request it.... Zack could go directly into a group home from the hospital on Thursday. There would be no waiting...no interview....like there will probably be when I can finally commit to having him live in one. I did not know there was a difference in how a person gets accepted into a group home...this was brand new news to me this morning. I just pray that there is improvement ahead for Zack on the meds and maybe the group home will be a non issue.... he is such a smart good kid...I want him here - well.... going to college.... working part time... a member of our family again. Not some distant pain in the butt skeleton in the closet we shipped off so we don't have to deal with him....because the truth is, that's what the group home hope is to me. When things are so tough here... and I feel done and defeated.... I need him somewhere else.
Alaina and I still have our appointment on Thursday afternoon. She is going to help me with the social security paperwork, the custodianship, and have some info on group homes to share with me. Maybe if I can understand the benefits of the group home I won't feel it's a last ditch... something a worn out quitter loser mom resorts to when she's fed up. Alaina reminded me that my insurance doesn't cover her fees, but she was nice enough to tell me that if I had any questions that could be answered in a quick phone conversation she'd be happy to help me for free.
It's a dreary quiet day here today. Just Penny and me....and she naps a lot during the day. I'm getting a lot of Disney work done....but the silence is deafening. The girls were home sick at the end of last week....so at least I had them around. Today... just Penny's snoring is keeping me aware I'm not alone.
To Be Continued......
Keeping that magic in my view....
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