I have been so torn now that I'm aware of the information regarding the hospital directly to group home. I almost unburdened myself on my husband last night.... at the risk of betraying my son. I didn't, though. I know what my husband will say...he'll jump at the chance. He'll remind me how we haven't been able to help Zack here... how Zack does this and that and annoys us....I know exactly the stuff he'll say... because it's true. Then I'd agree to the group home to make everybody here happy....but I'd feel like a loser quitter mom. And a disloyal deceiver.
I have enormous guilt keeping the info to myself....but I have to do all I can to get my son well...here. I need to try all the medications available and exhaust all options before I make the decision to kick him out. That's what it will feel like to me..... failure & quitting on my part and kicking the kid out of my life because of that defeat. I cannot do it to Zack after all the reassuring I gave him recently that the group home was only a down the road possibility. He would never believe or trust anything I said again if I sent him away in two days. I am going to have to go on Crazymeds.com and look up the clozapine... Clozaril...I need to learn more about that last ditch magic potion.
I had a nail appointment this morning.... a long quiet hour to think. I was uncomfortable with my cheerless thoughts though and couldn't relax.... I tried to watch the tv, but there were two friends next to me - not my friends... they were friends... chatting and talking about clothes... and ebaying... and I couldn't hear the tv to distract myself nor could I evesdrop well enough to let them amuse me. I almost broke down and cried three times....I don't even know why....what thought was passing through my head that was so upsetting?.....but I almost panicked. Suddenly my eyes were full.... My hands weren't available to me to wipe stray tears....so I quick thought happy thoughts.... of my daughters, Penny, and Disney fun... It worked well enough. I didn't embarrass myself at least. I think I'm losing the depressed battle. Or maybe this is just a phase because life is particularly upside down right now and I am keeping the group home possibility a secret...guilt. I'm hoping this bout of sadness passes.
I started reading my "The Happiness Project" book yesterday. I only read the intro and three pages... it seems like it's going to be an easy read though...and it kind of already meant something to me. She mentioned things I could absolutely relate to. I just didn't have time to read further. Something happened... with a friend that upset me...and I couldn't even concentrate on anything else for the rest of the evening. So my foray into my happy project was a bust....but I am carrying that book in my purse with me to read any opportunity I get. The only thing I'm worried about is if I'm too far gone for it to help. I remember a psychiatrist saying once, though...that the average depression lasts six months. I hope things are settled to my satisfaction with Zack's life before Christmas....I want to be able to be happy at Christmas.
I walked Penny...it's a beautiful summer into fall day here. It felt liberating to be outside in the sunshine and breezes. Penny enjoys the walks as much as I do. I've been avoiding my neighbor again...when I walk with her it's too much talking and slow walking. She doesn't know Zack is in the hospital and I'm not up for telling that tale. I prefer to just put my music on....soothe my nerves, and walk as fast as possible to burn up that excess anxious energy. Penny appreciates that type of walk most, too. The kind where we can pretend we're running away...
I am not looking forward to Jojo's dance class later today. In fact, I'm dreading it. Last week I promised a mom acquaintance friend that I'd go out with her for coffee during the class. I'm just really not up to it....I wasn't last week either - so last week when she asked, I said "next week for sure"..thinking to myself of course I'll feel better "next week"...next week is here and now I feel stuck...and bad. I don't think I can easily slap a smile on today. I should really spend the time reading my happy book instead.
To Be Continued.....
The subjects of my happy thoughts....
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